Festival Phantasm
by Assassin Number 9
Summary: What would happen if Scathach, Caren, & Misaya would hang out together? Chaos. What would happen if Berserker would play video games? Chaos. What would happen if you brought Nero to a lingerie store? Chaos...obviously. A series of random & strange events within the Nasuverse. Crack. Don't take anything that I write in this story seriously. Enjoy the Stupidity! ...and the Chaos :3
1. Scathach,Caren,Misaya,Chaos

**A/N: So, I thought I'd see how I'd do with humorous fanfics. This fic is just a whole bunch of random conversations and situations between different Servants and Masters (some of my OC's may appear too). Well, I hope you enjoy. And I'm sorry if you don't think it's funny. Like I said, I don't do humor very often. Also…cameos by random people from the Nasuverse.**

 **Notes: Many, many, many, many, MANY references to Fate/Stay Night, Fate/Zero, Fate/Prototype, Fate/Hollow Ataraxia, Carnival Phantasm and many other shows/hentai visual novels/ovas.**

 **Warning: Beware of horrifying situations like Caren having wads of cash and Berserker going out to buy more batteries. This warning is especially aimed to all Lancer-class readers…and Servants. It will get even worse if you're Irish. So, read at your own risk. Also…bad language.**

 **Disclaimer: I own none of the other characters who are already owned by Type Moon, etc.**

* * *

 _ ***11 AM, Emiya Residence***_

 **Assassin Number 9:** Saber-san! I have an emergency!

 **Saber:** What is it, Assassin?!

 **Assassin Number 9:** What do you think would happen if Scathach-san and Caren-san would hang out together for a day?

 **Saber:** That's not an emergency!

 **Assassin Number 9:** Yes, it is!

 **Saber:** How is that an emergency?

 **Assassin Number 9:** Because I was just casually walking down the streets and found Scathach and Caren-san talking to each other!

 **Saber:** What?! You're right! That is an emergency! What do we do?

 **Assassin Number 9:** I say…

 **Saber:** Yeah?

 **Assassin Number 9:** WE JUST SIT BACK AND WATCH THE CHAOS ENSUE!

 **Saber:** I agre- WAIT, WHAT?! Assassin-san! How could you?! You'd just casually sit back and watch what could become more chaos than the Holy Grail War?!

 **Assassin Number 9:** HELL YES! Haha! Why not?! Come on, do you really think it's going to be worse than Berserker going out to buy batteries?

 **Saber:** Well, you have a point there.

 **Assassin Number 9:** See! If anything, Lancer-san and Proto!Lancer-san will be the ones in danger, but aren't they always?

 **Saber:** Ugh, I hate to say it, but you _do_ have a point there. I'm really starting to wonder why I hang out with such demented people.

 **Assassin Number 9:** That's easy, Saber-san! It's because you're surrounded by demented people!

 **Saber:** *face-palms*

 **Assassin Number 9:** *turns to all readers and starts waving* Have A Nice Time Reading About the Upcoming Chaos – and potential end of Fuyuki City!

 **Saber:** Wait, what?! Assassin, stop this Fan-fic now before something bad happens!

 **Assassin Number 9:** Sorry Saber-san, but I can't. The readers have already started reading this fic. *kitty face*

 **Saber:** Wait, WHAT?! ASSASSIN-

* * *

 _ ***11:45 AM, Fuyuki Shopping District***_

"So, you are the famous Scathach, teacher of CuChulainn, are you?" Caren Ortensia asked her new friend.

"I am. Why do you ask?" Scathach replied. She wore a rather-revealing purple shirt and very short shorts.

"I know where he is", Caren told her.

"Wait, Cu's here?"

"He is. In fact, he is actually my Servant. And if you want, we can go tease that dog", Caren said evilly. Scathach smirked evilly in reply. The two then nodded to each other and started to walk towards the church, passing by two familiar faces (although one was in his spirit form to avoid any trouble).

"Hey Setanta, was that-", Arthur asked his blue-haired friend.

"Yep, that was Scathach", Setanta replied while materializing.

"Then why didn't you say hi?" Arthur questioned.

"I would rather have my older-self take care of those two demons. I already have to deal with Misaya. How in the hell would I deal with her plus Caren _and_ Scathach? Because really…that would lead to this world being even more of a hell to me", the man answered. "If anything, let's just hope they don't meet up with Misaya, because then…I'm fucking doomed."

* * *

 _ ***12:15 PM, Living Space (Church)***_

"Open up, dog", Caren told her Servant outside of the door to his room, but there was no reply.

"Are you looking for Lancer-kun, Master?" a blonde haired boy asked from behind Scathach and Caren. The two turned around to see Ko-Gil standing behind them with a ball in his hands.

"Yes, where is the dog?" Caren asked him.

"Oh, he didn't tell you? Well, he's on a date with Bazett-san right now. I can give him a message if you would like", Ko-Gil replied.

"Hmm…no, it's alright. Do you know where he is?" Caren asked.

"Yeah, they went to Ahnenerbe. Why?"

"Don't question me. Thank you for the information, though. By the way, Scathach, this is Ko-Gil; Ko-Gil, this is Scathach", Caren introduced.

"Nice to meet ya, kid", Scathach said.

"Nice to meet you too, new Onee-san!" Ko-Gil replied happily while shaking hands with the woman.

"Shall we go now?" Caren asked the reddish-purple-haired woman.

"We shall. Bye, Ko-Gil!"

"Bye, Onee-san!"

* * *

 _ ***1:00 PM, Emiya Residence***_

 **Assassin Number 9:** Saber-san! Saber-san!

 **Saber:** Ah, I see that you are finally ready to stop this soon-to-be horrific fan-fiction, Assassin-san. Am I correct on this statement?

 **Assassin Number 9:** HAHAHAHAHAHA! Good one, Saber-san! Haha! No, that's not it. I just had another emergency

 **Saber:** *sigh* What is it this time?

 **Assassin Number 9:** I was just going to ask what you think what would happen if Caren-san and Scathach-san would happen to run into Misaya-san!

 **Saber:** THAT'S NOT AN EMERGENCY!

 **Assassin Number 9:** B-but Saber-san, they actually _did_ run into Misaya-san!

 **Saber:** ASSASSIN-SAN! STOP THIS FAN-FICTION NOW! THIS IS GETTING _WORSE_ THAN THAT DAMNED CARNIVAL!

 **Assassin Number 9:** Saber! I told you that the readers are here for a reason! Don't interrupt the story!

 **Saber:** ASSASSIN-

* * *

 _ ***1:15 PM, Shopping District***_

"Dog", a voice called out from behind Arthur and Setanta. The two turned around to see Misaya with an odd looking red cloth that seemed to just float around.

"Oh, hey Master. What do you need…and why the hell do you have a cloth?" the blue-haired man asked his Master.

"I'm borrowing it", she replied simply.

"Um, okay then. But seriously, what do you wa- What the hell?!" Setanta yelled, as he was caught in the strange red cloth that Misaya was apparently borrowing. His whole body was wrapped in the cloth, including his face.

"Sorry, I need this", Misaya said to Arthur, who stood there confused. And then suddenly, Setanta felt himself being dragged somewhere.

"Master! What the hell is this?! Are you fucking crazy?!"

"Don't back talk to me!" the sadistic woman yelled back.

"And, you think that I'm gonna think of something nice to say about ya when you're doing this to me?!" Proto!Lancer questioned.

"SHUT UP!"

"YOU SHUT UP!"

"NO, YOU SHUT UP!"

"NO, YOU SHUT UP!'

At that moment, Ayaka walked up from behind Arthur. She looked up at him and then looked back at the odd Master and Servant pairing in front of them.

"They act more like an old married couple than a Master and Servant", Ayaka stated.

"They've always been like that to each other. I'm personally surprised that they haven't started dating each other yet", Arthur told his girlfriend.

"WHAAAAAAATTT?!" he heard both Setanta and Misaya yell at the top of their lungs.

"We might want to go", Saber said, starting to sweat. Ayaka nodded, and they ran back to their house.

* * *

 _ ***1:30 PM, Ahnenerbe***_

"I'd never thought I'd see you like this, dog", a familiar voice said from behind Lancer.

"Hu- S-Scathach?! Wh-what the hell are you doing here?!" Lancer yelled in surprise.

"Never mind me. Anyway, so this is the lady you chose this time? Hmm, tell me your name, lass", Scathach said to the magenta-haired woman in the suit who was sitting across from Lancer.

"Oh, I'm Bazett Fraga McRemitz", Bazett replied.

"A descendant of Fraga, you say? Ha, you did well, dog! I give you my seal of approval!" Scathach responded.

"Yeah, yeah, but seriously why the hell are you here?" Lancer asked his teacher once again.

"Well you see, I ended up running into someone interesting today."

"How does that explain why you are here?"

"Oh, Bazett? I would have never guessed that it was actually true that you two are now official lovers", another familiar voice sounded from behind Lancer. Bazett's face got red like a tomato.

"C-Caren?!" Bazett gasped.

"Didn't I tell you that he is now my Servant? You lost him, remember? It would not be fair to you if I just took your left arm without permission, would it not?" Caren said.

"That is different, and you know it is! Lancer is a familiar which means he can talk to anybody he wants to!"

"I agree, but you are not only talking but on a date", Caren stated, causing Bazett to get up from her seat in frustration.

"So just because we are on a date, you think that I am taking him from you?"

"No, it's just that you should get permission before taking someone else's dog for a walk, otherwise the owner may get worried about where their dog went. The owner would be worried that the dog may have turned into roadkill, especially if said dog is an Irish breed – you know how unlucky and idiotic those breeds are", Caren said mockingly.

"DON'T CALL ME A DOG!" Lancer yelled.

"Do not bark back at me, dog. Know your place", Caren commanded, as she threw the cloth towards Lancer, causing it to twist around his whole body.

"HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU TAKING ME?!"

"Shut up, dog", the Master stated emotionlessly.

"Caren! What are you doing?! Where are you taking him?!" Lancer heard Bazett yell towards his Master.

"That is not information you need to know", Caren said before walking out of Ahnenerbe.

* * *

 _ ***2:30 PM, Misaya's Mansion***_

"Master! Let me go!" Setanta yelled at the person beside him.

"I'm not your Master. Wait a second…Se-tanta? Is that you?"

"Cu? How the hell did you end up here?" the younger version of Cu Chulainn asked.

"How the hell should I know? I think the real question is why the hell are we here", Lancer said. Proto!Lancer and Lancer sat back to back on the ground with blindfolds over their eyes. Suddenly, the blindfolds were taken off, only to reveal a horrific scene. Misaya, Scathach, and Caren were all standing in front of them. Both of the blue-haired males were wide-eyed with both surprise and horror.

"H-hey Cu?" Setanta said to his older self.

"Y-yeah?" Lancer replied nervously.

"I-I think it's safe to say that we're fucking doomed", Proto stated.

"Yeah, I think that would be a safe bet", Cu agreed. The three women before them laughed evilly and started getting closer to the two of them.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" the two screamed in unison.

* * *

 _ ***7:30 PM, Shopping District***_

"Let's see here…mhm….mhm…mhm…yep, that's everything", Axer said to herself, as she walked through the shopping district. She wore a casual maroon dress and knee-high black boots with a black jean jacket. Her strawberry-blonde hair blew in the wind behind her. Suddenly, her ruby red eyes widened in surprise. "What the hell happened to you two?" she asked the two Cu Chulainns walking past her. Their clothes were ripped, and their hair was down, completely messed up. Setanta's black tie was loose and hung over his shoulder, and Lancer's wallet chain was missing.

"Our worst nightmare happened", they stated together, as they continued walking. Axer didn't say anything and just stared at them in confusion.

"Ah, I see…who's bright idea was it to let Assassin write this story?"

* * *

 _ ***7:45 PM, Emiya Residence***_

 **Saber:** Where's Assassin-san at?

 **Assassin Number 9:** Saber-san! Saber-san! Wasn't that a great story?!

 **Saber:** No, that wasn't a great story! Poor Proto!Lancer and Lancer got tortured by the three most terrifying people in the Nasuverse!

 **Assassin Number 9:** You're over-exaggerating, Saber-san! They're the third, fourth, and fifth most terrifying people in the Nasuverse! I'm mean, but I'm not that mean!

 **Saber:** Then who's first and second?!

 **Assassin Number 9:** Sakura-chan and Arcueid-san!

 **Saber:** *face-palm*

 **Assassin Number 9:** Aaaannyway, that's not why I'm here!

 **Saber:** Then, why are you here?!

 **Assassin Number 9:** Because, I was going to cosplay you!

 **Saber:** Aww, really, Assassin-san? That's very sweet of you. *blushes*

 **Assassin Number 9:** I know, right? Who knew I could be so sweet? Nyahaha!

 **Saber:** Assassin, are you turning into Henry from Fire Emblem Awakening?!

 **Assassin Number 9:** Haha! Who knows! But, look at this Saber-san! I even have Excalibur to go with it!

 **Saber:** Assassin-san!

 **Assassin Number 9:** Don't worry, Saber-san! It's fake.

 **Saber:** Whew!

 **Assassin Number 9:** Just kidding! EX-

 **Saber:** WAIT, WHAT?! ASSASSIN-

 **Assassin Number 9:** CALIBUR!

 **Saber:** AAAAAAHHHHH! ASSASSIN!

 **Assassin Number 9:** *kitty-face* That's what happens whenever you try to stop the story, Saber-san! *turns to audience* Well, I hope you enjoyed the story! If you have a question that will lead to chaotic events, ask it in the reviews or private message me, and you'll appear in my story if you want! You know, questions such as what would happen if Berserker would play video games, or what would happen if you would bring Nero to a lingerie store – questions like that. So, I have to finish the next chapter of my other fan-fiction, Fate/Stay Night: Routes of the Unknown! So, goodbye and have a WONDERFUL Day!


	2. Walkthroughs with Berserker-kun!

_***11:30, Emiya Residence***_

 **Assassin Number 9:** Hey Everybody! It's been awhile! Well, it's been awhile for this fic at least. I've been working on some other fanfictions and I could never really think up a nice, chaotic chapter for this fic. Plus, I had to give Saber some time to heal her wounds…and Lancer-kun and Proto!Lancer-kun as well. So apparently, it seemed that the Berserker playing video games idea was the most popular, so I'll be writing that one! So, enjoy Part 1 of Walkthroughs with Berserker-kun!

 **Shirou:** Assassin! I have to stop this fanfic!

 **Assassin Number 9:** No you don't.

 **Shirou:** Yes, I do.

 **Assassin Number 9:** Fine then. Tell me to stop it.

 **Shirou:** Stop this fanfic now.

 **Assassin Number 9:** No. Why do you want me to stop it anyway?

 **Shirou:** Because, you are going to destroy all of Fuyuki City if I don't.

 **Assassin Number 9:** Well, this _is_ Festival Phantasm. Also, I'm not listening to you anymore.

 **Shirou:** ASSASSIN!

* * *

 _ ***12 o'clock PM, Diarmuid and Saber's apartment***_

Diarmuid's IPhone started to ring. The raven-haired man looked up from the food he was making. He looked at the phone and saw that it happened to be Shirou. "Hello?" he greeted.

Saber, who was staring at both her boyfriend and the cookie-dough simultaneously, wondered what the call could be about. Diarmuid seemed to be busy and seemed to not be paying attention, so she got up from her seat and reached for the big spoon that sat in the dough. Reaching out for the spoon, she felt a slap on her wrist from behind her. _Dammit,_ she thought. _So close._ She had been caught in the act.

"Don't leave the apartment unless you want to get fatally injured again. Assassin is writing another chapter", he warned. He must have hung up right when she was reaching for the cookie dough.

"WHAT?! ASSASSIN!" The sound of Assassin's evil laughter could be heard inside Saber's head. That along with "You cannot stop a fanfiction author from writing fanfiction, especially when they're crack fanfictions!"

* * *

 _ ***12:12 PM, Ilya's Castle (no, not the mini game)***_

"D-Dammit! D-Dammit! Why can't I finish this damned level?!" Ilya yelled on the top of her lungs. "Damn you Assassin and your stupid writing! Gosh, I can't wait till next chapter where YOU'RE put through hell and have to write the Tiger Dojo and all of Taiga's movements!" she yelled to nowhere.

Suddenly, she thought of something. If she couldn't defeat the level, she had someone who maybe, just maybe, could. "Berserker!" Loud footsteps could be heard coming from Tokyo. The door opened and in popped the huge Servant's brain. "Berserker, you better get ready because you're going to learn how to play 'Fate/Unlimited Codes'! And then, you're going to beat the boss's ass to a pulp! You got that?!"

"RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRR!" Berserker yelled…rawr-ed?...screeched…um, sure, let's go with all of the above. What? Nobody said that the narrator couldn't have brain-farts! Anyway *clears throat*, thus it began WALKTHROUGHS WITH BERSERKER-KUN!

"IT'S STARTING!" Ilya yelled. "Hehe, Assassin may be able to stop me from passing the last level on my game, but she can't stop me from saying stupid Carnival Phantasm references."

*Stupid Intro Song That Only Someone Who Would Be On Crack Would Write (You choose which song)*

* * *

 _ ***12:30, Ilya's Castle (still not the mini game, that chapter is coming up soon. Don't worry)**_

"Alright Berserker, so what you do is…is…is…WAIT A DAMNED SECOND! DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO PLAY FATE/UNLIMITED CODES, ASSASSIN?!" Ilya yelled in frustration.

" _What would make you think that I would know how to play it? And, I just thought I should tell you Berserker is still in the doorway",_ Assassin's voice echoed from the loud speakers that weren't even there.

"Berserker! Come on! We need to beat the boss!" Ilya commanded. At her order, Berserker entered the room. There was a loud bang, and Ilya could see that nearly the whole entire wall had been broke. "Eh, I'll get that fixed later. But right now we have much more important matters to take care of, we need to beat the boss! Let's go, Berserker!"

"RRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRR!" the Servant….the Servant…the Ser-ah fuck it; let's just go on with the stupid crack-filled story.

Illya grabbed the controller off of the floor and handed it to Berserker, who took it into his huge hands. "Alright, first we need to teach you how to play it", Ilya said. They then spent the next two hours trying to teach Berserker how to press buttons. After the end of the second hour, Ilya had had enough of the nonsense. "THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK AT ALL!" she yelled in frustration. Berserker groaned in disappointment. After three long hours, he still couldn't press a button.

Suddenly, the game started playing. "Huh? Berserker-", Ilya started to say, but when she turned to the big guy, he was playing the game – and actually pretty good too. Ilya's mouth dropped to the floor when she saw Berserker miraculously getting perfects on the game. "Ahh! Yes, yes, yes, you got it, Berserker! The next time you play a game we should record it and put it up on Youtube!"

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRR!", Berserker (insert whatever verb to describe what he did that you want) in agreement.

"Haha, this is better than watching _Shinji_ get beat up…okay…wait….no, _nothing's_ better than watching Shinji get beat up, especially when it's by Dark Sakura", Ilya stated, being so happy that even _Saber Alter_ would be scared.

Perfect after perfect, Berserker played the game amazingly. It was a miracle. Maybe Assassin-san wasn't going to be that bad today. Maybe she would let Ilya finally be happy. But what Ilya didn't know was that Assassin-san could be a huge douche bag sometimes, and she had no idea on what was coming.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Berserker, you're going to defeat the boss! You're going to be that damned fake priest!" Ilya yelled in happiness. Then, something happened and the screen went black. Ilya and Berserker froze. "ASSASSIN!" Ilya yelled into the sky.

"I just wanted to beat that damned priest! Why does Assassin-san have to be the author of this damned fanfiction?!" Ilya yelled. Berserker just watched her as his little Master threw her tantrum. "I'm not having a tantrum, you stupid narrator!" Hey, I'm just doing my job. I'm a narrator; I only say the truth and Ilya-san is definitely having a tantrum right now. "Damn narrators and their stupid 'I only say the truth' nonsense! Huh? Berserker, what are you doing?" Ilya asked her Servant, as he picked her up and put her on his gigantic shoulder.

He then exited the castle and walked through Fuyuki City to wherever it was he was planning on going. Ilya didn't question, because she knew it was kind of useless asking an insane Servant on where he was going anyway. She looked at him in confusion.

 _Crunch,_ she heard. She jumped realizing that the crunching sound was the sound of human bones cracking. Ilya turned behind her and saw Shinji squished into a human pancake and started laughing, just like everybody else around who could see the scene.

A little bit after that, Berserker finally stopped. Where Berserker had taken her surprised her a great deal. They were standing outside of the church where Kotomine, Caren, and Ko-Gil/Gilgamesh lived. "Why did you take me here, Berserker?"

Without answering (or trying to answer), Berserker set his Master on the ground and went into the church. Ilya just stood there in astonishment. Suddenly, screams of pain and agony erupted from inside the church. The screams lasted for about ten minutes and then out came Berserker holding a very frightened and injured Kotomine.

"RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!" Ilya smiled when she realized why Berserker came here.

"Aw, Berserker you came all the way here so you could torture Kotomine in real life just for me? That's so sweet! This is the best gift ever!" Ilya exclaimed in happiness, while Kotomine just cradled his knees in Berserker's large hand. "Come on, Berserker! Let's go home", the white-haired girl said while grabbing onto her Servant's free hand. Berserker once again (insert verb here) and threw Kotomine into the church creating a huge bang. The two then walked happily back to the castle.

* * *

 _ ***2:30, Outside the Church***_

"Hmm, now let's see. Master wanted me to come here and give a letter to Caren- huh?" Axer questioned noticing the mass destruction that somebody had left at the church. Axer wore a plaid shirt and blue skinny jeans with black sneakers.

She looked a little to her left and saw Kotomine sucking on his thumb and rocking back and forth. She stared emotionlessly at him for a few moments. "What the hell happened to you?" she finally asked the priest. Kotomine took his thumb out of his mouth.

"My worst nightmare happened", he stated, as he continued to rock himself. The Servant just stared at him.

"That's just lovely. Also, give this to that demon, I mean child, of yours for me, will you? Thanks. Have fun getting over that nightmare", the woman told the fake priest before leaving. "Ah, I see…who's bright idea was it to let Assassin write this story?"

* * *

 ***** _ **2:45, Emiya Residence***_

 **Assassin Number 9:** Well, I hope you enjoyed the story everybo-!

 **Shirou:** Assassin! Just because it's Shinji and Kotomine getting hurt doesn't make it right to write this fanfiction!

 **Assassin Number 9:** Excuse me? Do you want me to-

 **Shirou:** I don't care what you do, it's still not right!

 **Assassin Number 9:** Well, okay then. GAY-

 **Shirou:** ASSASSIN!

 **Assassin Number 9:** BULGE!

 **Shirou:** Gh-!

 **Assassin Number 9:** *Gasp* Is-is it really true? People _do_ actually die if they're killed? Oh my goodness! Anyway *makes kitty-face*, hope you enjoyed the chapter! Remember to review and leave new ideas for me to write! Have a WONDERFUL day!


	3. Cards Against Humanity: Card 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of SAO Abridged, they own everything in those brilliant little videos. I advise you to go watch them if you haven't yet. They are hilarious.**

 **A/N: Question is bolded as well as the answers/fill-in-the-blanks**

* * *

 _ ***Emiya Residence, 8:45 PM***_

 **Assassin Number 9:** Sorry, there's no introduction for this.

 **Shirou:** But…you just talked.

 **Assassin Number 9:** Wow, that was very insightful of you to say Shirou. What's next? Are you gonna say that "people die when they are killed" or "the archer class really is made up of archers"? Because really, you can't get any more insightful than that.

 **Shirou:** One, that was Rin who said the thing about the Archer class. And two, are you turning into Kirito from the Sword Art Online Abridged series?

 **Assassin Number 9:** Are you saying I'm an asshole?

 **Shirou:** Well, you're kind of acting like-

 **Assassin Number 9:** _ **What am I acting like Shirou?**_

 **Shirou:** Oh my god, are you Asuna now?

 **Assassin Number 9:** _ **Are you calling me a crazy yandere now?**_

 **Shirou:** What?! No, n-no, why would I ever *gulp* call you that? You know what, I'm just going to stop talking. Oh wait, "gonna" isn't a word by the way.

 **Assassin Number 9:** *holds up gigantic axe* excuse me?

 **Shirou:** Nothing. L-let's just get on with this crack-fic, sh-shall we?

 **Assassin Number 9:** Hehehehe, I agree. Also Shirou, I have something very important to tell you.

 **Shirou:** A-and, wh-what's that?

 **Assassin Number 9:** If you ever call me either an asshole or a crazy yandere again, I'll make sure to make your next death even worse than your last one, which you only managed to awaken from due to high level plot armor. Now, you wouldn't want to die for the second time in only three chapters, would you? Because then, you would start to be on par with Lancer during Carnival Phantasm.

 **Shirou:** Haaahaaa, n-no not at all.

 **Assassin Number 9:** Good, goooood, now let's get on with "Cards Against Humanity: Fate Style"!

* * *

 _ ***Rin's Mansion, 9 PM***_

A group of people sat around Rin's coffee table for a fun card game that Rin said she just bought. The group included Archer, Lancer, Diarmuid, Saber, Bazett, Sakura, Rider, and Shirou. They sat on the floor, waiting patiently for Rin to return.

Finally, Rin entered the living room with a box in her hands. "Alright everybody, this game is called "Cards Against Humanity". All you have to do is lay one of your white cards to fill in the blank of the black ones."

"Wow, we haven't even started yet and this game is already racist", Lancer stated, earning a nod from Archer who sat beside him.

"But make sure that you place the white card face down so nobody knows who it was that laid the card", Rin finished. "Is everybody ready?" she asked. Everybody nodded. "Then let's get started! Archer, you be the judge first. Basically when you're the judge, you decide on which fill-in-the-blank is the best…or most offensive."

"Alright, so the first question is 'who would you go gay for?' Wait Rin, I have a question", Archer said.

"What?"

"Aren't you already gay? Like, canonically speaking?" Archer asked. Rin just glared at him, while the others tried not to let a chuckle slip.

"Ooh, I think I have a good one", Lancer stated. "I may not have the best of luck, but I think that I may have a shot of winning."

"Nah, mine is pretty good, too", Diarmuid said.

"Lucky, I have absolutely nothing. Wait a second; did I just call a Lancer class Servant lucky?" Saber asked herself as she placed the last white card on the pile. Archer started to shuffle the cards.

"Alright, and the answers are- ooh, this one's good – **Garcher – Joan of Arc – Gilles de Rais,** oh god **– Hercules – a dog –**

"DON'T CALL ME A-", Lancer started to yell.

"No, it literally says 'dog' on here. But thanks for giving me an idea for whenever I read your name."

"Oh, come on!" Bazett started to rub Lancer's shoulder in comfort.

"Anyway, **Diarmuid – Kayneth El Melloi Archibald –** or, oh my god – **King Arthur**." Everybody started to giggle.

"I hate you guys", Saber told everybody. "You're dead if you ask how that works, Lancer", she told the man. He started laughing even harder.

"Alright, so we got the answers, now it's time for you guys, the readers, to decide who wins!" The voting will stop once Assassin writes another Cards Against Humanity chapter! To vote, all you have to do is put your vote in the review section and say what you think of the story. Do you like it? Do you not like it? Put some stuff like that and we'll see you next time!" Archer exclaimed.

* * *

 **Question:**

 **Who Would You Go Gay For?**

 **Answers:**

 **Garcher**

 **Joan of Arc (Jeanne D'Arc)**

 **Gilles De Rais**

 **Hercules**

 **A Dog**

 **Diarmuid**

 **Kayneth El Melloi Archibald**

 **King Arthur**

 **Vote in the Reviews!**

* * *

 _ ***Emiya Residence, 9:30 PM***_

Axer walked into the large house that belonged to Shirou Emiya. She had to go pick something up for her Master as well as herself. She went into the kitchen – only to find Shirou rocking on the floor, cradling his knees. Axer just stood there watching him for a couple of moments before finally speaking.

"What the hell happened to you?" she asked with a blank expression.

"My worst nightmare happened", he replied. The woman stayed quiet for a couple moments.

"Ah, I see. Whose bright idea was it to let Assassin write this story?"

* * *

 **A/N: Next Chapter is the first episode of Carnival Phantasm, only with Fate/Zero characters instead of Stay Night characters. This chapter was recommended by Zephyroths, who I thank for the brilliant idea. Keep it coming with the recommendations everybody. It makes it so much easier to write chapters when there are recommendations. The more recommendations, the faster the chapters will be up! Well, have a WONDERFUL Day!**


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